What if...

...while sitting in the middle of the Harbor Hills community pool I started singing "Shine, Jesus, Shine" REALLY loudly?
Would the non-Jewish lifeguards come to my aid? I'm not looking to be offensive. I really have an urge to do this. Like when you're told not push the red button.

...I don't stop going in the pool every day even though my left ear is nearly deaf and now my nostrils are raining pool water?
My hair is starting to look like straw and today I know there was more chlorine in the pool than usual because I could smell it after we got home. If I persist, and I probably will, there's a good chance my skin is going to retaliate sooner or later.

...I let go of the baby in the pool?
Well, that one I can tell you. Baby Monkey will not only hold his breath when going under water, but he can also hold onto the side of the pool and move along it like the big kids. Today he floated on his back for a few seconds as well. BABY GENIUS? I THINK SO.

...there really are wonderful people in New Jersey?
As a Pennsylvanian I've always been taught that New Jersey is full of, well...New Jersians. But today I received the most wonderful package from BFF Brenny (shout out!) and it totally made my day. It was even better than the guacamole and salsa we made with our fresh garden tomatoes, cucumbers and cilantro. EVEN BETTER. Friends like her are proof that God wants us to do well. I took this job to get out of debt, and as part of my plan I am not paying New York prices for ANYTHING. It's being shipped in from New Jersey and I'M SO IN LOVE WITH MY FRIENDS.

...all my techniques are working and I really am the only one who can get J to eat?
Does this now mean I am the only one who can feed him? I suppose so. When E tries to make him eat there are masses of tears and snot and no food actually goes in. When T tries, it's significantly quieter but he doesn't eat a whole lot. And then there's that she'll-make-eight-different-things-to-appease-him issue. I've decided to keep doing it my way and GUESS WHAT? He eats best for me. Even though I make one thing, and he has to sit down, I'm getting food inside him. I believe it's time for me to write my child-rearing book to rival anything the British nannies have written. And yes, I'm tooting my own horn. Pretty loudly too.

...I stop tooting my own horn?
I could. I should. Ok, I will. Here's how tonight went after E and T left for a dinner date:
"Stop it!" "No, you can't have chocolate." "Ok, fine, just take the chocolate. I don't care which one, they're all the same. Just shhhh. I'm trying to Skype." "Skype is a video phone call." "Yes, you can be on the phone call." "Why is the baby's whole outfit wet?" "Stop touching Willie's privates!" "No one's answering their Skype. Don't cry! We're going to bed!" "EVERYBODY GO TO BED!"

I never did find out why Baby I was literally drenched from chest to diaper. I am completely addicted to Skype. I put the two kids in bed and then took the baby to his room. When I returned J was already asleep. THANK GOD. He's usually the one that keeps the two of them up long after bedtime. R went to sleep quickly after that.

And since then my voice has returned to a more suitable pitch and decibel level. My patience wore VERY thin tonight. The worst part of it is that while I'm yelling at them because they are annoying me while I'm doing something I shouldn't be trying to do right at bedtime, I know how mean it is to do that to toddlers. And it is. It's not right to have kids up late and then blame them for their behavior. It's what makes me want to slap half the people in Walmart after nine pm. And tonight I did it.

Poor kiddies.

I shall be better tomorrow. Serenity now.