Not all that kosher.

Last night was a good one. We hosted a small Shabbat gathering here after a whole long day of doing whatever we wanted.

We all, everybody, even Monkey, woke up late and had a leisurely breakfast and then T went to work and I turned on the lawn sprinklers and we all got in bathing suits and spent the morning on the front lawn being ridiculous.

Right when Monkey started to cause problems and whine Mom E showed up and whisked him away, but not before trying to hold the baby and making him cry. *Snicker snicker*

The rest of us had a picnic while the muddy lawn dried out and then Monkey came home and napped.
We waited in the sprinklers for him to wake up, brought him out with us and then T came home to mind the baby while we took off for the pool.

By dinner time we were all sun burnt and tired and huuuuuuungry.

T had cooked up Shabbat dinner so I served the kids in the play room and then stuffed myself with T’s mom’s guacamole, the best guacamole ever concocted. She also brought a barley tomato salad that was amazing and her famous green salad, also amazing. I was full before dinner was even served.

Only T’s parents came over but they brought wine and liquor so while the men hit the hard stuff, T and I set to work on the merlot.

It was such a nice evening.

I was too hyper to go to bed after all the kids were down so I washed 3,000 dishes and read half of a book.

This morning we treated ourselves to another late breakfast, but we did have plans for today. It wasn’t going to be such a do-whatever-you-want kind of day. We had responsibilities. Some of us had to work.

We got to the pool party right on time and all the adults were super excited.

This party was being thrown by a cousin of E’s, a branch of the family that has gone astray and doesn’t keep kosher or up with the Joneses. They had a big house but it was comfortable and not showy and there was evidence that children lived there and the ceiling was even falling down in one room. It made me happy.
They had a bunch of kids; I didn’t listen to all the details. Judging from what we saw today, I’d say they have put most of their upkeep money into the backyard and I must say, good call.

They had a BEAUTIFUL stone pool and hot tub, a hammock, a swing set, gorgeous gardens with normal flowers that are recognizable and not pretentious, a patio with a retractable cover and a grill.

The screen doors leading into the kitchen were ripped from use and they all stuck from kids abusing them. It was SO nice. All the people were so nice and none of E’s other family members had been invited. I even heard another woman giggling a little bit when T said the baby cries whenever Mom E picks him up.

It was perfect.

The only food they had out were potato chips and Doritos and then later hot dogs and hamburgers. They skipped the $300 worth of Persian food and kosher bagels that nobody eats. They didn’t even order standby pizza. Since I moved here, every party we have ever gone to had standby pizza.

Naturally, since there were no other options, I threw caution to the wind and ate a cheeseburger. And a hotdog with sauerkraut. I guess it had been long enough that I didn’t suffer any heartburn, so it was an all around awesome day.

The kids played in the pool all day and then toward the end of the party instead of some $25 per kid “goody bag” (R once brought home a personalized chef hat and apron set from a birthday party of fifteen girls) the mother of the birthday girl had her older kids hide candy all through the wooded front yard and they sent everyone out to collect their own treats.

During our drive home, which was about an hour, the adults in the car started talking.

I’m telling you this, not only because the conversation was interesting, but because we don’t usually get to have a conversation in the car without the kids ruining everything. They were all too tired to speak so they shut up and we could hear ourselves think.

E and T have both been trying to squeeze information out of me ever since this Nanny K business blew up. Not about her, but about me. They want to make sure I won’t fall apart like that and abandon them. T said today that she would like to clone me. I said, sorry, no, unless they pay both of us, and I didn’t really give an answer as to plans for staying. T is hoping for three years, possibly four or five, if I let her, and E said a flat ten.

I have been trying my best to assure them I won’t leave in the same fashion as Nanny K. I have never left on bad terms from any job except one and that was the photo studio, the most stressful, thankless job I have ever had.

I’ve never run from a family I’ve worked with and I have no intentions of just up and running one day.
That being said, I think ten years is a bit much.

Then in the car while we were talking about all this, T said, “Ten years? Ten years, E? What if she wants to get married or just go have a life?”

I laughed because the two are as different in her mind as in mine. I also laughed because E started sweating at the thought of me running off to get married in less than ten years. He’s dreading R’s teenage years like you won’t believe.

All of this led into my promising I wouldn’t elope and then talk of the differences between men and women. E whined that everyone is mean to him, so T got on the iPhone and asked Siri how to make her husband happy.

Siri pulled up a lovely list of 100 things to do for your husband to keep him happy.

It was a lengthy list but it had some good ones. It also had some horribly, terribly laughable ones that drew a lot of discussion. It was to those that E was nodding along with most adamantly. Of course.

When T started suspecting this list was written by a man, and a single one at that, E shook his head.

“No, it was written by a smart woman.”

“If number 100 is ‘make him a sandwich’ it was written by a man.” I said.

While meals never came up, foot rubs did and that settled it.

By the time we got home, we had laughed off the 900 calories of red meat we had eaten that afternoon. We force fed the kids some leftovers and put them to bed.

Monkey hadn’t napped today, so he went right down. The other two were bouncing around their room, shrieking and laughing for a good fifteen minutes after E left them.

I waited to see if he had the mind power to go back up and when it was clear he didn’t, I volunteered to give it a shot.

I went up for five minutes and left a totally silent room in my wake.

When I got downstairs, both parents were jaw-dropped on the couch.

“Bribery.” I explained. “Pure, unadulterated bribery.”

Nods, smiles, relief.

Cue baby tantrum.

He cried until T took him for a walk outside and then finally, when he was asleep, they snuck out for a dinner alone, one of the suggestions on the list of husband-happiness boosters.

And I read another quarter of my book.

See how hard it’s been around here?

And I get paid for this. No joke.