GAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhh MY EYES!

Tonight was the last of the last of ice breakers in this house.

There were several wardrobe malfunctions on T’s part this summer and the flashing that resulted barely bothered me. Lady parts are something I’d rather not see, but they don’t shock or surprise. Especially those lady parts, used for nursing so often in public places these days.

I could handle that.

And one special afternoon T and I were both upstairs in different rooms having a conversation across the house while she was running around doing something and I was running around doing several things and I innocently went into the hallway and boom.

Headlights.

Again, not traumatizing. But still, not preferred.

As one of seven children I have to deal with my share of half-dressed sisters. I don’t particularly care when it’s my sisters, especially because they all possess the normal amounts of decency that keep people dressed to some extent when in company, but of course, there have been mishaps.

With my brothers.

Who also like to run around half-dressed.

And once. On Easter break. One morning. When I came down the stairs.

My brother.

In the kitchen.

Boxers.

Trying to gauge eyes out for several minutes.

I recovered from the Great Easter Catastrophe of Whatever Year That Was and also survived several roommate incidents, mostly with one roommate (who could very possibly be reading this) who really enjoyed her naked time, but also there were other occasions where I would walk in on someone or they would walk in on me. These things happen when you share small spaces.

And drink too much.

And I knew coming into this live-in nanny thing that boundaries were going to be redrawn. I just had no idea what that would mean.

It means having the kids run into the room yelling, “Daddy guzzied!” (which is Farsi for farted) and walking into T’s bedroom to find J’s slippers and coming across T passed out and snoring through an impromptu afternoon nap. And of course, actively participating in couple’s arguments and home renovation decisions.

But tonight was different.

Today, it took until 4 o’clock to get lunch fed to all the kids. Today, we slept in all except Baby I, who has developed a nasty cold. He was up several times in the night (so I heard, I don’t work overnight) and was up for good quite early this morning. He was watching “Doowah” otherwise known as Dora, around 6 while everyone else slept on and on.

After breakfast I went outside with the kiddies to play and T left to do something. E was still asleep. T came home to pick up I for a doctor’s appointment and I went with E to take the kids for a bike ride.

The afternoon was just as lazy as the morning. Baby I threw the mother of all tantrums and all three adults in the house tried to calm him down before finally he finally fell asleep for a nap and then the kids went to play whatever it is they play in their room that involves moving all their bedding onto the floor and stuffing stuffed animals up their shirts.

E and T went to Home Depot for some more things needed in the basement makeover and then with my blessing and encouragement they also went to lunch and ran some other errands. The kids were eating lunch and when their parents come home in the middle of a meal it all falls apart so I do everything in my power to have these things timed.

When they did come home we all did a lot more nothing. Since lunch was so late dinner was also late, and since no one had given one thought to what we should eat for dinner it was even later. So I used one of my favorite tricks and pureed some zucchini to layer under pizza sauce and made a pizza. I fed the older two kids while Baby I was upstairs with E and T.

They were getting ready to go out, I knew, but after the kids finished their meal they went upstairs and I cleaned up a bit before going to get the baby.

Now, let me draw a picture for you here.

The stairs are wood and they aren’t terrible noisy but they’re not very quiet either. There’s also not a lot on the floors or walls, so everything echoes. The upstairs is mostly open hallway, and the master bedroom is visible from the stairs and every part of the hallway. Normally, when my employers are changing, the door is closed. But they had all three kids with them (or so I thought--it turns out the other two were actually in their room) and the door was open. So I climbed the stairs with the usual noise of footsteps and as I reached the top I said,

“Can I take the baby for dinner?”

T was starting to answer me that I could, but my eyes were already burning out of my skull. E had been in the nude, crossing the room and of course, passing the door just as my poor, poor eyes looked in. He said something and then T started laughing and yelling sorry.

And the baby just sat there on the bed watching TV like no one else was there.

I told T I would manage ok and I laughed. I think.

And then of course I had to spend the rest of the evening trying to act like I’m fine and everything is normal and I’m totally cool with everyone being naked all the time.

Just kidding. They both apologized again and I think I really will be ok. The whole event is already becoming hazy. My mind has superior powers of defense and is very good at blurring details until everything looks like a cartoon dream.

So after the kids were asleep I went downstairs to my room, which I cleaned yesterday for the first time in several weeks. I was inspired by my new clothing rack, which is not the one I had picked out originally, but instead a long wardrobe rack like they use for costumes on movie sets. It’s beautiful.

I got a good eyeful of my clothes and then I felt much better.

So I came up here and wrote this and now I feel sick again.

Time to go gaze at my shoe collection.